sun, me and this summer

I logged on to the blog today for the first time in over a month.

You may have noticed – B, has been a rockstar.  I have always known this in our 9 years of friendship, but really, I want y’all to know that too.  She has been single-handedly blogging, commenting, keeping track of things around here.

She is out of town this weekend, and I settled into the adirondack out back to sit amoungst the dahlias and the setting summer sun.  I am still in my swimsuit, my feet are still dirty, and I am pretty sure I have a big sunglasses-tan.  I spent the day at a local water park with a bunch of teenagers.  You talk A LOT in line, goofy stuff and serious stuff.  I held a hand through her first ever upside down roller coaster.  I got splashed a lot, although I must admit I did a fair amont of splashing myself.  I moved between a few groups of kids all day so I could get to know some of the new 7th graders more.  All just great.

It was over 80 degrees here today, and not a cloud in sight.  One of those summer days I dream of, long for, soak up every moment of.

On the way home, Glorious Day came on the radio, and one of my girls asked me to turn it up.  Then the whole van sang really loudly.  Then they fell asleep, leaving me a good 30 minutes of silent driving with the radio turned way up.

I’ve had a rough week.  I wish I could tell you how I really feel, but I cannot talk about it on the internet, but trust me when I say it was down right awful.  I cannot tell you how much I needed today to make me feel like this was all going to be ok.

This week made me put some things in perspective.

I have not been blogging lately.  It started with me being confused and upset and just lacking inspiration.  Then it continued with me being unbelieveably busy and tired.  So, here it goes.  the long -er story.

In the beginning of June, I was laid off.  I cannot tell you I was surprised or shocked or horrified.  But I still was sad and confused.  I had already been working part time at my church for a few months when my architecture hours were cut.  But I realized that i felt like I lost my …. me.   A me that was defined by the word architect.  Could I still like all the same hobbies, could I still love design, could I still find a way to make this work in my head????  And really more importantly, this profession was one I chose in high school.  Did that mean that ten years later I was still that same person?  There were things I loved, but things I didn’t.  Things I wondered if it was just the job maybe and not the profession.

But throughout all that wonder and thought, I realized that there was so much more I loved to do.  And maybe what I do from 9-5 was going to be different.  That I could still love buildings and history and design and paint and projects….. and all that was not defined by a job.

I have been procrastinating writing this post.  Many reasons… One, isn’t this blog supposed to be fun, about cool stuff we do and see?  Yes, but I am always so — inspired by other bloggers who blog boldly.  They write about bad days, confusions, needing help…. and I am like, yes finally a real person!  I mean come on – does every project go according to plan, every dish really taste that amazing?   How can I love it when others write so honestly, but I’m not willing to do it myself?

Two, ….. and I feel kind of stupid to admit this but here it is…. I really thought I had to figure this all out <soon> and have a plan before I blogged about it.  I was frustrated with myself when 3 weeks past and I still felt like I had twelve options in my head.  I felt frustrated with God when all I was hearing from Him was wait, wait wait, this is going to be perfect, just not on the time table you want.  Are you serious?  I mean I have always had a plan, never a dull moment, never a time when what’s next didn’t seem obvious.  I’m 26.  That’s a long habit to break.

It’s now ten weeks, and I feel like me.  Me, not architect me.  I have no idea if this even makes sense, or if this is just mumbo jumbo I will laugh at later.

I have been insanely busy.  Spending lots of time working actually, spending time being the friend I may have forgotten how to be, spending time with my small group girls, spending time just helping.  Funny, I thought getting laid off would make me have more time, but I have realized I was stressed for months.  And it has taken me this long to take a deep breath.

I have not felt like writing or looking at this blog.   It was part of that life that I was just missing, honestly.  Hard for you to understand, not sure I do, but honestly that’s it.   I felt like i could not even write a post about the garden because I was not being honest about all this stuff first.  And then I still didn’t have a plan, so I could not write, and the cycle continued.

Whew this is long.  To those of you who I have not bored to death right about at this moment… thanks for reading.  Thanks for being patient with me as I dive back in and begin again.  And thanks to B, who wrote a lot while I just couldn’t.

This week has just made me realize I have a whole lot to be thankful for, this blog and writing included.  I have been thankful I got laid off for weeks now, thankful for the other opportunities, for the other possibilities, for realizing its not something I ever feel like hiding or simply saying honestly, I’m thinking about all of it.

Thanks to you, who are still reading, and forgiving me for not including a picture with this or for editing this.  This is me typing in a few minutes, not rewriting or rethinking or rewording a zillion times.  This is raw, right out of my heart.

{and, hopefully will still be spell checked by B??} : )

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2 thoughts on “sun, me and this summer

  1. D, I think it is great that you’re raw with your emotion and that type of writing is never boring or unimportant. I have missed posts by you, but it’s good to take time for you, to discover you. I’ve had my own struggles with that recently and I think it is very brave of you to post ‘out loud’ about them. Sometimes I too step back and look at my life and as where is the “me” in all of this… so in part I understand what you’re going through. You’re in my prayers.

  2. Thanks for sharing with us. It is a rough time but so many people can relate right now and I like to see the blog world as one big pillow of support. My Husband was recently unemployed and finally said something about it to a friend who had the perfect position for him, but thought he was content where he was at so never brought it up. He started Monday. It’s a whole different job then he’s had in the past, but he’s ready for a change. Good luck in your soul searching, sounds like there are amazing things to find during this time.

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